


How The Conversation Should Have Ended

by motherbearof3



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-10
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-03-16 11:53:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13635765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/motherbearof3/pseuds/motherbearof3
Summary: Title says it all.





	How The Conversation Should Have Ended

**Author's Note:**

> So here's my post ep/fix it for The Undiscovered Country. The plot was inspired by Kris Allen’s song, Bring it Back, lyrics at the end, with just my own change to one line which is noted. Another of his songs, It's Always You is one of my Barson theme songs and part of my Barson playlist on Spotify. If you want to listen, just search for Barson. There's a lot with that title, most of which clearly are unrelated but mine says it was made by motherbearof3 so you'll be able to tell which one it is. : )

Barba turned and walked away from Olivia before he broke down completely. He knew if he looked at her one more moment, he would lose control. He wasn’t afraid of her seeing him show his emotions, but there was probably a reporter lurking somewhere still and he’d had his fill of bad press in the last week. Every step he took farther from her, feeling her eyes on him — those beautiful brown eyes that were swimming with tears the last time he looked into them — he struggled to keep his composure, his gloved hands now clenched into fists in his coat pockets.

His steps faltered for a moment when he thought he heard something. _No, keep going. It’s just your imagination._ She wouldn’t be calling after him or coming after him. He’d just destroyed her world. She’d all but begged him to say he loved her. He told her she’d opened his heart.

“And,” she said, looking at him expectantly.

He knew what she wanted and he almost said it. But he couldn’t. Not because it wasn’t the truth, because it certainly was. He’d loved Olivia Benson almost from the day he’d met her; when he covered the shock of feeling such an overwhelming emotion toward a women he’d just laid eyes on with a snarky remark. No, he couldn’t say it because she didn’t deserve to be loved by him. Not any more.

He was Lucifer; fallen from grace. A reckless, selfish decision got him thrown out of heaven. He may have been found not guilty, but he wasn’t innocent and there was no way he could keep those three letters in front of his name anymore. If he hadn’t quit, he would have been asked to leave. Of that he was certain. Making the decision first allowed him to retain a shred of his dignity. Dignity that he clung to saying goodbye to Olivia. Telling her he had to move on. Even he wasn’t sure from what he was moving on. _His career? Law? New York City? Her?_

She had visibly crumpled when he said those words. Those weren’t the words she wanted to hear. The movement broke his heart. He wanted to take her into his arms and declare his love for her; tell her he would stay. But he couldn’t. She deserved more. Better. So he pressed his lips to her forehead. Not the first kiss he’d envisioned many times over in his head. But it was all he could offer her now.

He reached a corner and had to stop before he could cross. Suddenly someone grabbed his arm and he knew who it was before he even turned his head. Only her touch, even through layers of gloves, winter coat, suit jacket and dress shirt, felt like that. His traitorous heart sped up. Her breathing was ragged; from running after him, crying or both, he couldn’t tell.

“Rafa.” He didn’t turn. He couldn’t look into those beautiful brown eyes and see the disappointment again. “Please,” she pleaded.

That was his undoing. He spun on his heel. Her face was streaked with tears. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

“Don’t say anything. Just come with me. Please.” Fresh tears started down her face.

He could deny her nothing. He nodded. She linked her arm through his, wiping at her face with the other hand and drew him in a different direction. Their steps fell into the same rhythm, as they had thousands of times before. Initially she had no destination in mind. She just wanted to walk with him as long as her feet would carry her. Keep him a little while longer. Her heart was breaking at the thought of never seeing her best friend and the man she loved again. He almost told her he loved her. She saw it in his eyes when he said he’d become her and she’d opened his heart. Then he didn’t. He told her he had to move on, kissed her forehead and turned and walked away. She’d stared after him, the tears that filled her eyes finally spilling over. She didn’t even brush them away. A sob bubbled up in her chest and came out as his name. Then she was running after him, not caring who saw. Now they were walking together, her arm clinging to his like a lifeline. After a few blocks they came to a hotel and Olivia made a split second decision. They needed to talk. This would provide a quiet, neutral setting. She took a moment to compose herself then led the way inside. He held back as she approached the desk and paid for a room, for once not knowing what she was thinking.

After signing the receipt and taking the key card, Olivia returned to his side and took him by the hand, leading them toward the elevator which whisked them to a floor. He didn’t even notice the number, too busy wondering where this was headed and thinking as much as he loved her, hell, wanted her even, this wasn’t the right time. Surely she knew that. But he followed her down the hall and waited while she swiped the card and pushed open the door to reveal a standard hotel room with one king sized bed. She walked in and again, he followed, letting the door close behind them.

She unbuttoned her coat, tossing it onto a nearby chair and he slowly did the same, inhaling deeply as he did so, his mind swirling with thoughts. The smell that was common to all hotel rooms was almost calming. Finally, their outerwear removed, he faced her and spoke his first real sentence to her since he’d told her he had to move on. It seemed like hours ago, but in reality less than 30 minutes had elapsed.

“What’s going on, Liv? Are you trying to make this more difficult for both of us?” His green eyes were dry, but his voice was thick with emotion.

She shook her head, her hair falling into her eyes, which welled up with tears again. He picked up a glass that sat beside the plastic ice bucket and stepped into the bathroom to fill it with water, then pressed it into her hand.

“Drink. It’s not scotch, but it will help.” That earned him a small watery smile before she drained the glass, the cool water a soothing balm on her raw aching throat.

Taking the empty glass, he put it on a table and drew her down to sit beside him on at the end of the bed knees touching. _There’d been a lot of touching between them lately,_ he thought _._ When he'd taken her into his arms the day Noah was kidnapped by Sheila and the hug she’d given him mere hours before after the verdict was read. _Why couldn’t those embraces been under better circumstances?_

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have just walked away from you back there. I just thought, quicker would be easier.” He took her hands in his. They were cold, even though she’d been wearing gloves. She shook her head again.

“Nothing about this has been easy, Rafael. Nothing.” She took a deep breath, as if preparing herself, then continued. “I understand you can’t stay with the D.A.’s office. I even understand you need some time. Leave New York if you need to for a while. Move on from that if you need to. But please come back. Come back to me. To Noah.”

At the sound of her son’s name, he closed his eyes against the burn of tears.

“I don’t know if I can promise that,” he replied quietly. They sat there, her hands still in his for a while, neither one speaking for what seemed like an eternity.

Finally Olivia spoke again, her voice stronger but her words hesitant.

“Rafa……..I need to tell you something. Not to try and make you stay, but………….because I can’t let you leave without.”

“Don’t.” He released her hands and moved his own to cup her face. “Saying it will only make this harder. But…..I know.”

She thought he was going to kiss her on the forehead again when he leaned closer and she closed her eyes. But they snapped open again when she felt his breath on her lips and looked into those familiar green eyes so close that she could see the color variations in them. He’d imagined this scenario in his head so many times, but none of them were ever like this. If he was honest, most of them involved a disagreement in one of their offices, her eyes blazing at him, and him grabbing and kissing her to shut her up. But here they were, in a hotel room in the middle of the day, fully clothed, him unemployed and her heartbroken.

Olivia could see in his eyes he was thinking and before he could pull away, raised her hands to grasp his wrists and closed the centimeters between them, pressing her lips to his. Time stood still. There was no great passion in the kiss, no twining of tongues. It was gentle. Filled with emotion and unspoken words. His hands never left her face, nor hers his wrists. She could feel his pulse racing beneath her fingertips. Finally, regretfully, he pulled his lips from hers.

“Stay,” she whispered. “Just for tonight. Then tomorrow you can move on.”

He nodded. “Tonight.”

He removed his suit jacket, tie, suspenders and shirt. With each article of clothing that he removed -- the armor he’d worn for the last 21 years -- his heart lightened just a little. Finally pulling off his shoes without untying the laces; something he couldn’t remember ever doing, he was left in his undershirt and trousers. Olivia simply removed her blazer and shoes, leaving on her pants and blouse and they settled onto the big bed. The drapes remained closed, shutting out the world; and the television off. There was no lovemaking or even more kissing. At first they lay on their sides, facing each other, holding hands and looking at each other. They soaked in what could possibly be the last images they’d have of the other, committing every facial detail to memory. Eventually they grew sleepy and Rafael moved to lay on his back, pulling her into his arms, pillowing her head on his shoulder and pulling the blanket up over them. The steady sound of his heartbeat lulled her to sleep.

When Olivia woke she was alone. Other than the trace of his cologne on the pillow beside her, there was no indication Rafael Barba had ever been in the room. Her heart was heavy but she was happy she’d been able to share one night with him and hoped he would come back to her some day. She buried her face in the pillow, and inhaled his scent, remembering the feel of his lips on hers. Then she threw back the covers to face the day without him. The first of many ahead of her.

Days passed.

Then weeks.

Time ran together as she got up, took Noah to school, went to work, went home to her son. Winter melted into spring and green returned to New York City. One day, as she walked through the park on a warm afternoon, needing a break from her office, her phone vibrated in her pocket. Pulling it out, she saw an unfamiliar number. Opening the text she saw a picture of a cherry blossom tree in bloom and the words

_This reminded me of you. -R_

It was the first contact she’d had from him. Her heart pounded in her chest. Cherry blossom trees could mean he was in Washington DC. Just a short train ride away. With trembling fingers she typed what she hoped was a neutral reply.

_Beautiful tree. How are you?_

His response came faster than she expected.

_That’s why it reminded me of you. I’ve been worse. Gotta go. Tell Noah I said hi._

She did. It had been hard explaining to the 5 year old why Uncle Rafa didn’t come around any more. But he accepted her explanation with few questions. More weeks went by without additional contact. She’d made the photo he sent her lock screen and wallpaper on her phone. No one but her knew it was from him. She liked having a private reminder. Sometimes at night she would lay in bed and look at the photo and remember that day in the hotel room and the single kiss they’d shared.

Olivia had never been a religious person. The last time she’d been in a church was the day Noah was baptized. But one day in June she found herself opening the big heavy doors of a church she had walked by more times than she could remember. It was cool and dark inside, a respite from the early summer humidity. Choosing a pew in the back, she knelt down and gazed forward to the altar and the representation of the crucified Jesus. Then she bowed her head and prayed. It was a rambling prayer but the crux of it was that she wanted Rafael to be happy and if that meant he didn’t return to New York she would try and accept that. But she also prayed that he would come back.

The summer was a long, hot, sticky one. Finally August wound down and turned into September and the weather began to cool. One morning after walking Noah to school she returned home to find an envelope taped to her apartment door. Always cautious, she donned a pair of gloves to remove and open it. Inside was a plastic key card and a piece of hotel stationary on which was written a room number in handwriting as familiar as her own. It was from the hotel where she had taken Rafael that cold, terrible day in February. Where they’d shared their first and only kiss.

Olivia couldn’t get to the hotel fast enough. If the room hadn’t been on the 10th  floor, she’d have taken the stairs, but instead stood on trembling legs, waiting for the elevator to arrive and then lift her to her destination. She ran down the hall, only to freeze outside the door with the number that matched the one on the paper clutched in her hand. Before she could use the key card, the door swung open and he stood there, tanned and relaxed, in casual pants and a collared shirt. There was no trace of the stressed, anxious, guilt-ridden man who had refused to let her tell him she loved him.

“Hi,” she said. It came out more as a breath than a word.

She couldn’t believe he was actually there. That he’d come back. She wanted to pinch herself to make sure it wasn’t a dream and she was going to wake up in her own bed any moment. But she couldn’t move. Could barely breathe as she gazed upon him. In addition to his face and arms being darker than she could ever remember seeing them, his hair was longer and his face covered in the fashionable, scruffy not-quite beard that she saw on men daily in the streets. It contained the same scattering of gray that his longer hair style showed more of.

“Hi.” He returned the greeting with the little half smile she’d seen so many times and finally realized was something reserved for her and her alone. Her lip trembled. “God, Liv, don’t cry. Please.”

He took her arm and pulled her into the room. It looked identical to the room they’d stayed in that last night. Only clearly he’d been staying in this one for a little while. A laptop was on the desk with a couple books stacked beside it.

“Are -- are you back?” she asked, turning to face him. “What have you been doing? Where have you been?”

“There’s time for all of that. But yes, I’m back. Because you opened my heart.” He raised an eyebrow at her. “Now you’re supposed to say ‘And?’”

Olivia shook her head a little, not following the conversation, but obediently repeated the word.

“And I love you.”

They both smiled broadly and stepped into each other’s arms, knowing that was how the conversation should have ended all along.

**Author's Note:**

> Bring It Back (Kris Allen)
> 
> Unspoken, in silence  
> Let's stay here tonight  
> There's no reason to ask me  
> Cause you know what's inside 
> 
> Don't worry now  
> Seasons will change  
> Forgive my mouth  
> For not letting you walk away
> 
> Take your love, bring it back  
> Bring it back  
> Think before you leave  
> I forgot what love is  
> Bring it back  
> Tell me that you believe  
> What fate has been telling me
> 
> "The sidewalk in front of the courthouse" (changed by me)  
> Is no place for goodbyes  
> Don't worry now  
> Seasons will change  
> Forgive my mouth  
> For not letting you walk away
> 
> Take your love, bring it back  
> Bring it back  
> Think before you leave  
> I forgot what love is  
> Bring it back  
> Tell me that you believe  
> What fate has been telling me 
> 
> I've got a different ending to our story  
> I know it's hard for you to hear it through  
> But listen as I read 
> 
> Take your love, bring it back  
> Bring it back  
> Think before you leave  
> I forgot what love is  
> Bring it back  
> Tell me that you believe  
> What fate has been telling me


End file.
